Graduate School Barbie comes in two styles! Delusional Master's Barbie (tm) and Ph.D. Masochist Barbie (tm). Every Graduate School Barbie comes with these fun-filled features guaranteed to delight and entertain for hours: * Grad School Barbie comes out of the box with a big grin on her face that turns into a frown after 2 weeks or her first advisor meeting (whichever comes first).
* Adorable black circles under her delightfully bloodshot eyes!
* Two outfits: a grubby pair of blue jeans with 5-year-old gap T-shirt, and a floppy pair of gray sweatpants with a matching "Go Screw Yourself" T-shirt!
* Grad School Barbie talks! Just press the button on her left hand and hear her say such upbeat grad school phrases as, "Yes, Professor, It'll be done by tomorrow" "I'd love to write it all over again" "Why didn't I just get a job, I could have been making $50,000 a year by now if I had just started working with a Bachelor's degree. But noooooo." and "I wish somebody would drop a bomb on the school so that I'd have an excuse to stop working on this degree that's sucking every last drop of life force out of my withered and degraded excuse for a soul..." (9 V lithium batteries sold separately)
* Grad School Barbie is anatomically correct! Experience the exciting changes that come with pursuing a higher education! Removable panels on Barbie's head and torso allow you to watch as her cerebellum fries to a crispy brown, her heart race at 150 beats per minute, and her stomach lining gradually dissolve into nothing!
Deluxe Grad School Barbie comes with specially designed eye ducts. Just add water and watch Grad School Barbie burst into tears! Fun for the whole family!
Other accessories include:
* Grad School Barbie's Fun Fridge (tm). Well stocked with microwave popcorn, Coca-Cola, Healthy Choice Bologna (99% fat free!), and small bottle of Mattel Brand Rum (tm).
* Grad School Barbie's Medicine Cabinet. Comes in Fabulous Pink and contains Barbie sized bottles of Advil, St. Johns Wort, Zantac, and your choice of three fun anti-anxiety drugs! (Barbie Medicine Cabinet not available without a prescription).
* Grad School Barbie's Computer Workstation. Comes with miniature obsolete PC (pink of course), rickety desk, and over a dozen miniature Mountain Dew cans to decorate your workstation (Mountain Dew deposit not included in price, tech support sold separately. Miniature cigarette butts and Oreo packages also available)
And Grad School Barbie is not alone! Order now and you'll get two of Barbie's great friends!
GRADUATE ADVISOR KEN: Barbie's mentor and advisor in her quest for increased education and decreased self esteem. Grad Advisor Ken (tm) comes with a supply of red pens and a permanent frown. Press the button to hear Grad Advisor Ken deliver such wisdom as: "I need an update on your progress" "I don't think you'll be ready to graduate this spring" and "This is nowhere near ready for publication."
REAL JOB SKIPPER: When Barbie needs to talk, she knows that she can always count on her good friend Real Job Skipper (tm), who got a job after getting her bachelor's degree. Press the button to hear Real Job Skipper say: "Sometimes I wish I went for my masters degree" and "Work is so hard! I had to work a half an hour of overtime!" Real Job Skipper's Work Wardrobe, Savings Account, and New Car sold separately. (WARNING: Do not place Grad Student Barbie and Real Job Skipper too close to each other, as there have been several mysterious cases of children leaving the room and coming back to find Barbie's hands mysteriously fused to Skipper's throat.)
SOON TO COME..... Nothing-has-really-changed, but-the-pay-IS-better-TENURE TRACK BARBIE, complete her own office (windows optional)!!Note the cheery greeting that belies the hostile message found below. I have yet to respond to this student, or do anything about her grade. I have, however, found the time to compose a stingingly sarcastic response, which I did not send, but did disseminate amongst the other graduate students and now here on my blog:Hi Camilla,I see I have a ZERO for quiz 9. I've never missed a quiz or been late to class and have always done 100% of the readings. So whatever quiz 9 was based on, I should not have a zero. Could you check on that for me?
Thanks,Angry Undergraduate Student
Please understand that I am a TA for multiple classes and your email about a nameless, dateless quiz in an unspecified class was not only rude, but useless to me. Perhaps you should look up an article on hostile attribution bias and review your approach to conflict or stressful situations. Just a thought. Also, given the fact that you have--as you were so kind to inform to me in your email--earned 100 percent on everything else in the class, I don't believe that a missing grade for one quiz is quite the crisis you have built it up to be. Perhaps you should also research the following thinking errors: catastrophizing, and, while your at it, entitlement. Definitely entitlement. Furthermore, as a grad student working on narrowing down a thesis topic, putting together lit reviews and presentations, studying upper level statistics, training for a half marathon, working for two professors while simultaneously putting in hours for three other part-time jobs, I frankly don't care about your one, measly 10-point-at-best missing quiz score. Nor, as illustrated by the lengthy list of demands on my time, am I diabolically conniving to ruin your or any other student's shot at seeing your name in lights on the dean's list of honor, or earning that extra $100 your parents will pay you for earning an "A." Again, I just don't care.
Maybe you'd like to try your email to me again.
Best,
Your over-worked, under-paid, sleep deprived, and apparently worthless-by-your-standards, TA
